When I started this newsletter, one of the reasons was to tell my younger self all the things I know now.
I’m no relationship expert (far from) but a big one I really wish I knew so much more about is how adult romantic relationships work.
Take this story, for example. I went down some kind of rabbit hole reading about the late Pandit Ravi Shankar's first wife and I couldn’t decide what I felt the more I learned. In case you’re wondering, Ravi Shankar is the father of musicians, Anoushka Shankar and Norah Jones.
Here was the story of a woman, Annapurna Devi, who was born to one of the biggest names in Indian classical music in the 20th century. Her father originally taught only her brother (because musical instruction had created problems in his older daughter’s marriage) but when he could no longer ignore the talenthouse that Annapurna was, he agreed to teach her the sarod, an obscure instrument, instead of the more mainstream sitar, encouraged to use her musical learning only as a form of spiritual devotion and not for commercial success.
Her marriage was arranged to Ravi Shankar when she was very young and it was a troubled relationship from the beginning. After more than 40 years of struggling through it and disagreements over the sole son they shared, Annapurna retired from public life, estranged from her family and never performed on stage again. Annapurna said in this rare interview (which is fascinating) that her ex-husband didn’t love that she was such a good musician (in other words, better than him).
Oh, Annapurna.
Auntie Ayesha would have said no man is worth that, honey.
Annapurna passed in 2018 after spending more than 60 years in her apartment in Mumbai, going outside only on a balcony to feed pigeons. And it made me think that so many years after what happened to Annapurna, so many young women and girls are still set up to fail and be disappointed romantically in much the same way.
Look at what books and movies tell us. Messaging from pop culture about what women should do or want in a partner is SO problematic.
Carrie and Mr Big’s toxic on-again off-again mess from the Sex and the City series. And then she marries the man after he stood her up at the altar. REALLY? Come on, Carrie. Do 👏🏼 better👏🏼. For all women. Even the author’s own explanation of why this happened is weak.
A million Bollywood movies. Have you watched Kabir Singh? You can on Netflix with English subtitles. I don’t even know why but the lead character, played by Shahid Kapoor, comes off as so smooth and charming, it’s dangerous. There was a bit of an outcry about the misogyny at the time of its release. But it was also the highest-grossing films at the box office that year.
The mixed messages of Disney movies is widely known. My favorite summing up of this is with Dr Pink Giraffe as imagined by Venezuelan artist, Maria Guadarrama. (FYI, I like the Disney princesses but I get why young girls need better role models).
Many conversations with friends have made clear to me how flawed our understanding of relationships is and how there’s so much pressure on women to “be” a certain type, to “adjust” and accommodate the men in their lives who are not expected to sort out any of their issues. There’s no push for men to address feelings of insecurity or inadequacy or the inability to express emotional intimacy. Women are just expected to make them feel better about all of it.
Everything women are told about relationships is wrong. We’ve really got it all backwards.
Great relationships start with self-love (buckets and buckets of it). How do you expect to have a successful relationship with someone else if the one with yourself is broken? Only when women feel truly comfortable in their skin, owning everything that makes them who they are does this reflect in their human interactions.
And values. It doesn’t matter if you’re going cross-eyed with love. That’s just your hormone-addled brain. Chemistry. Pure science. Get past it. What you really need for compatibility is an alignment of values.
Do you think of money, sex and family similarly?
Do you agree about what’s important to raise children, whether to have children at all or not and which causes are worth fighting for?
Do you have shared goals for what you see your individual lives turning into because that’s the only way you’ll build a life together which you both like.
Do you make each other laugh?
This is the stuff no one tells you. You don't have to vote the same or share a career. But you do need to be on the same page about life.
Plenty of this newfound knowledge (the bulk of it gained in lockdown this past year) comes from truth bombs that Sabrina Alexis drops on YouTube and Instagram. She breaks down matters of the heart so clearly and plainly, I can feel plates in my head shifting, undoing years of social conditioning and finally being able to see why healthy romantic relationships (filled with so much ease but seem out of reach) are different from anything I’ve ever thought to be true.
It’s why the next time you meet someone you like, you don’t have to prove how amazing you are, whether on a date or in a more informal setting, because compatibility between two people inherently exists. When two people feel a connection, it is only a natural unfolding of that compatibility.
Isn’t it such a relief to know you don’t have to audition for love?
You have to decide which parts of Sabrina’s advice are most relevant for you. But there’s plenty of good stuff in there.
Also really wise and useful is Seeing Other People. Ilana and Jonah who run it are great and so funny, where they provide female and male perspectives to all things love.
If you watched Indian Matchmaking, which came out on Netflix last year, I encourage you to go see A Suitable Girl, also on Netflix, both by filmmaker, Smriti Mundhra. A Suitable Girl captures what getting married means, even in 2021, for so many women in India.
I hope you find the love you want, love that’s good and wholesome, which makes you a better person and opens up your heart. Always remember healthy romantic love is so great but there are so many many kinds of love to fill life with. So even if you don’t meet someone, that’s okay. Like a wise friend recently said, why do we make women who live on their own as adults (with cats or without) out to be some kind of zoo exhibit. There certainly doesn’t seem to be an equivalent narrative for single men. How about flipping that idea on its head and owning who we are, wherever we are in life, whatever stage of romantic love we’re in or not and truly celebrating that.
Reclaim your name
An easy way to establish a sense of self is to reclaim your name, like Thandiwe Newton has recently done, after 30 years.
Names are beautiful. They are our identity and our history. They are a gift from our ancestors, our ties to our blood. When we say a person’s name the way they like it pronounced and insist people do this for us too, even if, especially when miles from the geography to which they trace its origins, we are honouring everything that makes them who they are. We’re telling them that they are worthy of making this effort for. Saying someone’s name correctly is a basic but powerful way of showing respect.
My all-time favourite clip of getting someone to say your name correctly is of Hasan Minhaj teaching Ellen.
Or this one from a while ago is still one of my favourites and a great example of how everyone will learn to say a name correctly as soon as someone is rich/famous. So you may as well help people always say your name correctly.
You know, just in case.
Ruchika Tulshyan talks about why this is so important.
And if people still have trouble getting it right, use this clever tool, which I think is so cool and found via Lauren Currie’s newsletter.
In Women Wins this Week
I’m all over the latest Summersalt campaign (which you can see here). Also, I love the name — and only just understood it). I haven’t thought of travel for leisure in so long but these swimsuits are already placing me at a beach or by the side of a pool in my head. I remember as soon as I was old enough to care, what everyone would think of the size of my thighs distracted me from just enjoying the water and the sun. Places where women need to wear swimsuits heighten body issues and make many women conscious of every blemish, roll and inch they have in places they’d rather it not exist. So I love a product that says, “Ditch the idea of a bikini body, the water is for everybody. Just get out there and have fun!” They currently only ship in the US, Canada and Australia. If you aren’t in one of these places, either plan a holiday to use the swimsuit or ask a generous friend to bring it to you (when the world opens up).
Dawson’s Creek was big when I was growing up. I didn’t watch the show but read all about it in the many many copies of Seventeen magazine I used to borrow from a lending library. Turns out, the show is now available on Netflix but without the original soundtrack by Paula Cole because Sony, which owned the rights for it, didn’t buy streaming rights for the music. So they found a replacement tune by another woman, Jann Arden. That’s really messed up for Paula Cole obviously but also for Jann Arden who doesn’t receive any additional royalty fees because she sold all rights for a flat fee. So I’m really chuffed Taylor Swift is saying a giant, “Nope, I’m going to do things my way and take back what’s mine,” to an entire industry, setting a standard and standing up for women who don’t have the luxury to do similarly. It’s not a perfect solution but the next time a glitzy corporation decides to take advantage of an artist, maybe they’ll pause to think first.
Check out Simone Biles who recently became the first woman to do a jump so difficult in professional gymnastics, even the person who it’s named after hasn’t. Why is she doing this? Because she can, she says. Imagine what the world would look like if more women thought this way.
Speaking of Olympic superstars, I’ve chanced upon the podcast Encyclopedia Womannica by Wonder Media Network, which is currently featuring women Olympians. These are short, really easy listens to the life stories of women we would all do well to know more about. I listened to a couple of episodes but the Estee Lauder one is my favourite so far because it’s a reminder that sometimes (nearly always) not listening to everyone’s opinion of what you should be doing can be such a good thing.
The home of the Mona Lisa will be led by a woman for the first time in its 228-year history.
228-year history
Do these numbers jump out at anyone else that it has taken this long for women to lead these places?
TIME magazine recently announced internal changes and it’s really positive (also a really big deal) to see so many women of colour across levels at a global media outlet.
I did part of a jigsaw puzzle, courtesy Amira, after years and years and really enjoyed it. It was a really sweet scene from Tangled too and at 1000 pieces, just the right level of difficulty. Such a great non-screen activity. I’m now crushing on this one from Whiled by illustrator, Roeqiya Fris.
Related to last week’s post, this is a really good read by Dr Jen Gunter.
Feels like this conversation is happening everywhere lately
We’re nearly into June, peeps 😳.
Keep it fresh and fierce.
xx
AA