Why do we feel so guilty all the time?
You know when the iPhone was growing big around 2009, there was an ad on US television where a man would ask if you wanted to do everyday things we use our phones for. You can watch an example here. He’d pose each function as a question and say, “There’s an app for that,” which was this clever catchphrase that clearly convinced people that if they wanted to, needed to do something, anything, an iPhone could help.
Sometimes that’s what it feels like with guilt. Whatever you think of — happy or sad — it seems like, “There’s a guilt for that.”
Did you eat some chocolate? Are you guilty now?
Are you becoming a parent? Get ready to feel guilty. Mothers more than fathers, presumably as “mom guilt” is a thing but “dad guilt” less so.
Did something good happen to you — did you get a promotion, did you get good news you had been waiting on, did you win something? When you’re done being happy, do you feel guilty?
It’s so weird, guilt is so deeply baked in to our culture that we’re almost expected to feel guilty. Because what kind of person would just enjoy something and feel no sense of guilt or be apologetic about it after?
There is something so messed up about that.
I think the one that makes least sense to me is the guilt around sleep.
Sleeping is widely seen as a sign of laziness. The more you sleep, it’s like telling the world you care less about your career, about being successful, about being efficient and competent. Sleeping in, whether on a weekend or otherwise, is painted as an indulgence so decadent, sometimes more than eating an entire slice of chocolate cake on your own. And the moment we wake up and realise we’ve slept a little longer than intended, even if we didn’t have anywhere else to be at the time, our default response is to feel guilty.
WHY?
Obviously, there’s such a thing as too much sleep. I get it. But not getting enough sleep is a real hazard too. We’re at a point where sleep deprivation and “busy”ness is celebrated to the extent that it’s killing us, quite literally.
One of my favourite female entrepreneurs posted this the other day and it’s so much more of what women need to hear.
Poor sleep is linked to higher stress levels, compromised heart health. As this article says, there’s a steep economic cost as well.
Sleep, like laughter, can be such a powerful route to overall wellbeing. It can be so helpful to manage PMS. And for something so natural, such a normal physiological occurrence, it is contaminated by guilt, shame and judgement.
And the list is long of so much else that guilt touches with its long, spindly fingers.
I know people who said they felt guilty to leave family to study abroad.
Women feel guilty for choosing to stay single, to not have children.
Adult children are guilty about their relationship with aging parents.
I’ve been hearing of survivor guilt from people who have recovered from Covid-19.
Some guilt is healthy, especially when we’ve done something wrong. People who don’t feel guilt even when called for? There are a couple of terms for that. But for the majority of us, being stuck in a cycle of guilt does us no favours.
Guilt is lonely. It is isolating and confusing. It is consuming and burdensome. It is so exhausting. Guilt can lead to related feelings of regret, anxiety, self-doubt and low self-esteem. Guilt can play a role in conditions like obsessive-compulsive disorder and eating disorders. Guilt can contribute to making us so apologetic for who we are. Guilt robs time, peace and the possibility of the present.
Guilt is also rarely a solitary experience, intimately tied to other people’s perceptions and actions.
Do you think it’s called a “guilt trip” because going on a guilt-induced spiral feels similar to a drug binge? Is it called “guilt pangs” because feeling guilt is as normal as feeling hunger?
Women plagued by guilt stay in toxic relationships too long, accept less than their worth, neglect their needs convincing themselves they don’t need more, awkwardly laugh away overt and covert bad behaviour, among many many less than favourable outcomes.
Here’s some reading on women’s guilt.
In Women Wins this Week
There’s a growing tribe of women doctors who are helping women advocate better for themselves when accessing healthcare. Read this post/caption and follow doctors, Danielle Belardo and Martha Gulati.
I did a Twitter thread on all the reasons why I love the new season of Never Have I Ever.
McKenna Oberheim uses a boy band to make the important point that we need to pay attention to young women’s interests, to never dismiss or ridicule them, especially the unexpected ones.
There are different ways to cope with guilt and various combinations of tools are suited to different people. So if guilt is a part of your life, I hope you find what you need to make it better. And when you do, I hope you’ll share what helped so we can normalise not feeling so guilty for no reason all the damn time.
xx
AA