This week, I spoke with Rajat Mittal, 36, who writes Boyish, a newsletter of how gender stereotypes affect boys and stories of Indian men who have defied them. I love this idea so much. I’ve been reading past editions of how so many Indian boys are discouraged from the arts, certain careers, of what it means to “be a man”. Rajat and I share the belief that for anything significant to change for women, men need to be part of the conversation. You can follow Rajat and his projects on Twitter. This interview has been lightly edited for clarity.
Tell me a little about your background. What made you start Boyish?
I grew up for about the first 20 years of my life in several small towns of Uttar Pradesh, India. I then moved to Gujarat to continue my education and to the United States in 2007. My background meant I was extremely conditioned to understand gender in a certain way.
In 2012, when I was 27 years old, I decided to move back to India to “do something else” with my life. It was a time when I was really receptive to new ideas which is when Menstrupedia happened as well. This was the brainchild of two of my closest friends. While I was convinced that the idea was genuine, I wasn’t sure of my role in it because I had no background in social work. I constantly thought, “I don’t fit in.”
I battled with these feelings even while working on it. But it was through this work and She Can You Can (India and US versions), which were both written formats, that led me to Boyish. I started to enjoy seeing myself as a writer and understanding that plenty can be done with simple words. I find moments of extreme vulnerability in my writing. I share parts of me that I haven’t earlier. That gives me a lot of courage. The secret is out. I don’t have to carry this baggage anymore.
It’s why Boyish is so personal. It’s what I wish a younger version of me knew.
Why is a newsletter like this important?
To shed my own conditioning. For our own sake. Beyond the benefits we all get out of breaking down gender stereotypes — men and women — the discourse does not include men. And the discourse will not move forward without involving them. The hope is that shining a light on how gender stereotypes affect boys might just make boys sensitive to how it impacts others as well. There is a possibility to develop that EQ.
You’re a parent to a young son. What do you want him to know?
I don’t want to be a distant dad. I’m very comfortable dancing with and in front of him. That’s a big shift in my understanding of masculinity. And also this idea that a man has to constantly work. I’m currently on my second career break. I went through a deep crisis of, “Who am I?” but I’m now starting to enjoy it. I know now that I can exist beyond the definition of who I am professionally.
What do you think is the biggest hurdle for men to overcome gender stereotypes?
I find a lot of men, at least in my circles, are oblivious to the idea that their gender could hinder their growth. Men aren’t listening to their own issues. They aren’t empathetic to themselves. That’s the first step.
How do we get men to listen?
What could help?
Every man will tell you in a safe space that there were moments in his life when he was extremely vulnerable, when he wanted help. And he got the message that seeking help is “weak” or in conflict with his masculine identity. In these moments, if he’s sent a different message, I do believe things can change. The challenge is, how do we systemically identify these moments and then what do we, as a system, do about it? These are cementing moments that shape how men view themselves and the world.
And how do we do this?
I don’t know. It feels like boiling an ocean. That’s how big the problem feels. That’s why words matter. Before we talk about solutions, we need to agree on the problem. We don’t even have the vocabulary to talk about them. If we can’t speak each other’s language, how will we communicate?
In Women Wins this Week
This week, I’m only asking you to watch Maid on Netflix (this link has some spoilers). It’s ten episodes and maybe the best television I’ve seen in a long time. Every woman, and man, must watch it, in my opinion, whether or not you think you have anything in common with a single, white mother in America who cleans houses to support herself and her child. Based on Stephanie Land’s bestselling book, it’s a show that is heartbreaking but like I said to a friend recently, “Serious, not upsetting.” This is not always what happens in real life but it’s a reminder of what could be when women have greater support in the form of well-funded public services — how essential this is and why they need to be a bigger collective priority.
I love the chemistry between real-life mother daughter, Andie MacDowell and Margaret Qualley. And then to see Qualley as a young mother brings home the point of how generational patterns are established and how long, how much it can sometimes take to break them, to rewrite them.
While you’re on Netflix, one of Rajat’s ace recommendations in a previous edition of Boyish is Yeh Ballet. If you love dance or Bombay or both or neither, watch it. It’s so good.
I’m only 20 more subscribers from another milestone and I’d love all your help getting there. Please share this newsletter widely with friends, family or anyone who you think might enjoy it. And thank you always for reading.
xx
AA
If you like this newsletter, please consider supporting it by doing one/some of the following: