Do we judge women who have lots of children?
Do we judge women who have lots of children?
It was a flip comment someone made the other day which got me thinking — do we judge women who have lots of children? A few years ago, it was perfectly acceptable to have upwards of five children because there was no saying how many would survive more than a few years, among other reasons. Many of us know grandparents and maybe even parents who come from families with several siblings.
But in this generation, when we’re as woke as we are and insist that women shouldn’t be policed, are we still less forgiving when women have several children? I remember the media circus that went down with Octamom. It was a sensational headline for months. And sure, the woman was on benefits and many taxpayers griped why their money should support her, personal opinions aside. The fact that she had six children previously and used IVF did her no favours either. This NYT story is an update of how she’s doing lately, by the way.
One child is acceptable, two is fine. If both are of the same gender, trying for a third is understandable. But any more and eyebrows start to rise. Women like this aren’t allowed to complain about expenses or being tired, the inner monologue in a listener’s head often saying something to the effect of, “Well, you should have known better. Who asked you to have so many children in the first place?”
Women with large families are judged for having too many children but men with kids are seen as “hands-on”, “involved”, “loving” fathers and although no one says it out loud, virile men.
So why the double standard (like so many others) only for women?
When we see women with many children, I think many of us forget context. The judgement comes from a place of seeing the woman as “irresponsible”, “backward” and unaware of the debates around the benefits of smaller families, the need for population control and the drain of more people on natural resources or plainly, on contraception.
Childbirth is rife with age-old ideas of legacy (who will carry forward a father’s name?), wealth (more children, and the ability to support all of them, can be a status symbol), health (are a woman and her partner healthy enough to produce children?), religion (many faith-based communities don’t encourage contraception), society. So why a woman might have many children could be because:
Among many minority/ethnic/faith-based communities, discussing contraception even between married people is not an option. And many men won’t practice it. The entire burden of family planning lies solely and unfairly on the woman, who may or (likely) may not have the support or awareness to have greater agency in the process. Also, the sex is not always consensual.
Among many minority/ethnic/faith-based communities, giving birth to daughters isn’t enough. And so couples are forced to keep trying until they have a son.
Among many minority/ethnic/faith-based communities, having children is not a choice. It is an expectation that a woman and her body are expected to fulfill.
When you add race to the mix, the widely held belief is that white women in developed countries have greater freedom of their bodies, greater honesty and transparency in their relationships and greater resources at their disposal to make better decisions about childbirth.
Except it’s not that black and white.
Many women who fit the above description could have mental health problems or be in situations very similar to what women in minority/ethnic/faith-based communities experience. Income levels, education levels, living conditions, all intersect to create a system that makes women vulnerable to judgement.
That might be why it can be confusing when you see women who want large families — white or not. Considering all the practical concerns that surround having children, how do you make sense of women who want to have more than three (or whatever the magic number in our heads is) children? Doesn’t she want a career? How can she ever have one with so many kids? Does that mean her partner will have to provide for everyone? Isn’t that an unfair burden to place on them?
The lines of questioning are innumerable.
Sometimes, envy finds a spot too. People might see women with large families, big houses and high-earning spouses and think, well, sure, of course, she can have as many children as she likes. What does she have to complain about?
It’s not that women who go the other way have it any easier. Women who choose to stay child-free are also judged. And in a weird turn of events, in this case people are not as interested in how the woman feels compared to how her partner might. A woman who doesn’t want to have children who is in a relationship with someone who demonstrates the faintest desire to be a parent is called “selfish”. How could she be so uncaring as to deny another human being whom she claims to love the very human need to be a parent?
Women are doomed if they do, doomed if they don’t.
Doomed if they marry (or too “early” or “late”), doomed if they don’t.
Doomed if they have children (or “too many”), doomed if they don’t.
Doomed if they focus on a career, doomed if they don’t.
Being a woman is wonderful in so many ways.
Sometimes, it is also exhausting.
In Women Wins this Week
Let’s keep the spotlight deservedly on the Olympics where I can’t help but notice how many fabulous female headlines I’ve seen and it’s making me all kinds of happy.
First up, Jamaica’s Elaine Thompson-Herah is still the fastest woman in the world. She broke a 33-year-old record in Tokyo to claim two gold medals.
Rebeca Andrade is the first Brazilian woman to win an Olympic medal for her country in gymnastics.
America’s Katie Ledecky now has the most Olympic gold medals for a female swimmer. Some people collect coins, some people collect stamps. Katie collects gold medals. She also holds three world records.
Afghan cyclist, Masomah Ali Zada, is a hijab-wearing Muslim woman from the minority Hazara community. She makes her debut at the Olympics. Read about what a struggle it’s been for her to get this far.
India is on such a roll. Kamalpreet Kaur made it to the women’s discus final. Bhavani Devi is the first Indian fencer to qualify for the Olympics. The women’s national field hockey team deserves a few rounds of applause. And PV Sindhu became the first Indian woman to win two Olympic medals. But friend, Rumman Ahmed, says it best in his Facebook post.
And in other big news:
Shahana Hanif will be the first Muslim woman and one of the first South Asians to serve on New York’s City Council.
Birth control shouldn’t be a luxury or a privilege. It is a basic human right.
This is an awful story. But it’s worth reading until the end, especially for that last line.
Okay, Matt Damon. Clearly you have so much further to go. But all praise for his daughter who is a reminder that sometimes the heaviest lifting we all have to do starts at home.
Amira has told me many useful things towards my ongoing feminist education. Two that stand out are we can’t have fixed ideas of how women should live their lives. There is no timeline to adhere to, no standard to meet. True progress is when women have agency in their lives to make decisions that make the most sense to them, on their terms, even when, especially if that doesn’t fit a trending narrative. And for these decisions to be received with acceptance, minus any judgement.
And that while patriarchy exists to control women whose origins can be traced back to men, it is often perpetuated by women. So while we attempt to smash it, one of the biggest, most effective things we can do is for women to be kinder to women, weird choices and all. Being a woman isn’t easy. So the least we can do is turn to each other hoping for less judgement, more support.
xx
AA